Dear Eric: I have been married to my husband for 27 years. Now that we are seniors, he has the means and time to take up a lifelong dream of flying a small sport plane. He is taking lessons weekly and loves it.
Great, you say? Not if you are me. I lost my first husband to a small plane crash that killed him and two of my best friends.
I was left to raise my two young girls by myself. It was hard and tragic.
My current husband came along when the two girls were nearly grown.
Knowing my history, I can’t understand why my current husband would take up flying lessons. It is very distressing for me.
My logical side says that lightning won’t strike twice, but my fear is my fear. I find it most distressing that he won’t consider my feelings. Am I being unreasonable?
– Earthbound Wife
Dear Wife: You aren’t being unreasonable. This is a major source of trauma for you. Even though it was decades ago, you’re still processing parts of it. This sort of grief is a lifelong relationship, unfortunately.
It is, indeed, a relationship that predates your current 27-year marriage.
Your husband doesn’t realize that he’s not up against airplane safety facts and stats. He’s up against decades-old grief.
Ask him to go with you to a few sessions of marriage counseling to have a mediated conversation about the way this hobby is affecting both of you.
The goal is not to get him to come down or to get you to come around, but for you to be able to meet in the middle.
Talk it out with someone who is trained to guide you through your valid feelings and to guide him through supporting you.
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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
