DEAR MISS MANNERS: Three times in the past year, friends have sent me links to crowdfunding sites where family members were soliciting funds to bury a relative. I am uncomfortable adding myself to the list of donor names followed by a dollar amount (the “top donor” and their donation is highlighted).
Now I have received an online notice to pay for a 70-year-old cousin’s death-related expenses. These included cremation, biodegradable urns, jewelry made from the ashes for the five (adult) children, a future “celebration of life” ceremony, and money to purchase a “tribute grove” of five to 15 trees.
This person went a little far, in my opinion, but my main struggle is with the optics of such a list. It appears that people are expressing condolences with money. Most crowdfunding sites have an option to donate anonymously, and I usually do so, because my name is still visible to the organizer.
GENTLE READER: There are those who legitimately need help to finance a memorial service. If a family deems such extras necessary, they can pay for them themselves.
Miss Manners’ advice will not be popular, but she would tell you to refrain from donating except in the most dire of cases — and to do it anonymously. The competitive aspect of this is unseemly, and best avoided. A condolence letter and offer of help by way of food or transportation is generous.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
